Hi…you don’t know me, but I’m waving to you. Actually I’m not waving to you at all, but to my two giggling buddies watching at home. I’m also talking to them on my cellphone, if you’ll notice. Now, because of me, you not only have to hear Jesse Barfield saying insightful things like “He’s a real professional hitter,” but you also have to watch me desperately seek attention. Now I’m waving and talking to my ex-girlfriend. I’ll bet when she dumped me six months ago she had no idea that one day I’d be getting seats like this from my uncle who works at Rogers. Hey…who’s the dude talking to her in the background?
Now I’m high-fiving my giggling friend sitting next to me. You wanna know why? I’m not sure either, since I have no idea what just happened on the last pitch. I’m probably never going to have my 15 minutes of fame, so I’m settling for 9 innings of really annoying people who don’t give a crap about who I am. Make that 5 ½ or 6 innings, since I didn’t get here ‘til the 3rd and will probably leave by the eighth…I had to have a few Bud Lights at Casey’s and I wanted to meet up with the two guys I was waving to before so we could discuss my seats and how they’d be able to see me the whole game. Then I gotta get home in time to watch Keys to the VIP and see what Steve Kouleas has to say about the Leafs. Anyway, back to the game...who’s this guy pitching? Roy who? Do they still name people that nowadays? Holiday? Haha, I’m gonna chant “Doc,” all game long, I’ll bet nobody’s thought of that one before. Man, this waitress is pretty hot, and she’s gotta be impressed with these seats. Good thing I wore enough aftershave to drown out the smell of the sausage the old dude next to me is eating. Oh man, I just noticed that there are a bunch of mics around here, so you just might be able to hear me all game. “Doc!....Doc!...way to uhh….throw….Doc!” This is awesome!